DavidMan, the Man who is David (Executive slate)

Benjamin Davidson
bhdavson@stanford.edu
Gracie Newman
sgnewman@stanford.edu
Slate statement

Hello.

We are the Man who is David.

And you are our friend. Hello, friend. Let me tell you all of that which you have forgotten.

We, the DavidMan, have a vision. This is a great and noble vision, a vision that is simply to increase the public's understanding of Immanuel Kant's Categorical Imperative with respects to deontological ethics.

There is much that must be done to accomplish this. But do not fret, my friend. We have solutions. Commandments, if you will.

First, we must purge the school by expelling all neurotypical/mentally healthy students. The ResEd KGB will be instrumental in this.

Second, we must give voice to marginalized voices of our community. To this end, we support the donation of twenty megaphones to Stanford Taiko. We will also be coordinating the construction of booths in White Plaza around the weekend of the high school debate tournament so any willing may shout obscenities at those little shits who invade Tresidder.

Third, we must kill all squirrels on campus and increase the fines on bike tickets.

Fourth, we must paint Hoover Tower the color of flesh.

Fifth, we must arm the Stanford Equestrian Team with sabres so that they may be reborn as the Stanford Cavalry Team.

Sixth, we must rename the Stanford Duck Syndrome as the Stanford Frog Syndrome, as it has come to our attention that those who suffer from this unfortunate condition do in fact pathologically eat frogs, not ducks. To this end, we will also be renaming self-identified males as "tadpoles", self-identified females as "pollywogs", and those who identify as neither as "the eggmass" (as a collective term - the individual is an egg).

Seventh, we must cut the Stanford Daily's budget so they will rename themselves the Stanford Yearly.

Eighth, we must recognize that the Stanford administration is perfection on earth and can do no wrong - however, we must still ask that they begin to wear transparent clothing.

Ninth, we must ask, "why was Title VI afraid of Title VII?"

Tenth, we must facilitate community bonding through a variety of means, including but not limited to spontaneous combustion parties and heroin/support alpaca events.

Note, friend, that the DavidMan is a project of the Stanford Flipside, a satirical publication, which may be accessed here.

Thank you, friend, for listening. That is all. You may go.